nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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