Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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