Sober January is a disaster.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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