respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
