Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
