the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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