is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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