Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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