I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
...so i touched it.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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