also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
