god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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