I'm so fucking centered right now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
