No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
