I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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