So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
