you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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