I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
