Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
