He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Is Oprah even human
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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