Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
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the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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