I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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