I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
