glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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