Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize