You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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