Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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