She went from zero to smokin in five shots
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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