god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Randomize
