Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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