Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
