I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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