rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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