Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
