you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
