You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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