Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
