I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
