God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
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she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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