Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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