well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Randomize
