Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
