i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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