Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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