Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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