I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My life is pants optional.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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