When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
