Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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