Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
