i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
