so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My sheets look like a crime scene.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
