The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Too much gin, very little bucket
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
