U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
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Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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