apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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