Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm at about main and main street
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got inside last night via doggy door
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
