you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
