dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
