We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
