rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
