the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
